“As a mom, how do you actually feel about being told to ‘enjoy every moment!’?”  

I read a conversation on this on Instagram the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. 

While a small handful of moms responded with gratitude to the often well-meant comment, I was relieved to learn how many moms actually resented the thought, as if it was a reprimand for feeling that most moments are actually not all that enjoyable. 

Because I could relate. Just days ago, as I tried to corral my three toddlers while unloading my full Costco cart, an (older) mom said to me, “Oh these days were crazy, I remember. But they grow fast!’ Enjoy it while you can!” 

It so often feels like advice spoken at us, rather than to us. 

Almost every mom in that Instragram feed had heard the phrase, often in public situations where her kids are doing crazy things in a circus-like frenzy. Those moments aren’t exactly “enjoyable”,  especially when internally, we’re just trying to keep our head above water. And of course, what mom can forget the gloriously unexciting and largely unseen parenting moments: the daily struggles of refused meals, TV-induced meltdowns, crumbs and fingerprints everywhere, and ubiquitous LEGO pieces in every room of the house? 

In fact, most moms in the thread agreed being instructed to “enjoy!” and “savour!” is quite invalidating for a struggling mom just trying to get through the day. 

For a stay-at-home mom like me, much of my day is spent chauffeuring kids to and from school, cooking and then cleaning up the mess after meals, and picking up toys or breaking up fights. The moments are not usually enjoyable; between yelling and time-outs. And to be quite honest, it’s downright exhausting. There’s hardly any emotional bandwidth to enjoy and savour. 

This is one of my favourite comments from that online thread (paraphrased): 

    “[F]eeling as if we have to savour each moment misses the heart of parenting. Moments can’t be the hope, because they end. Moments are fleeting and come and go faster than we are sometimes ready for. Perhaps instead of the focus being on enjoying moments, we can simply be in moments. Feeling the joy, acknowledging the pain, being mindfully present to everything in between.” 

I realized how much would change if I reframed my focus to savour the moment as something that I *get* to do, and not something that I *have* to do. 

There’s a nuance between a privilege and a duty, and acknowledging this alleviated some of the pressure on myself.

Like when I am looking into the eyes of my four-year-old, asking him (for the 5th time) to apologize to his brother, I can feel both annoyed and empathetic as I witness my child struggle with asserting his will and learn how to soften his heart. 

Times like these are more frustrating than enjoyable, but merely being in the moment affords me the freedom of not having to feel like I need to rewind or fast forward to happier times. If I think that it is my duty to bring us back to “enjoying the moment”, I might feel the need to rush through the situation and my feelings of frustration, and “get back to being happy”.

But let’s say I make this moment not about me and about my child. 

If I take a frustrating moment like this and consider it a privilege to be the one to usher my young child as he matures into regulating his emotions, then I am free to remain in the difficult moment. 

This definitely isn’t easy. Holding the tension between the two requires practice, and goodness knows that I do not get it right most of the time. When I shift into “parenting as duty” mode, resentfulness, and perhaps even self-pity, are more likely to creep in. I start to wonder whether my own sense of self is disappearing, as I get lost in the haze and chaos of being at my family’s beck and call. 

However, when I shift my perspective on parenting being a privilege, then I am reminded that as a parent, God has given my husband and I an incredible opportunity to co-labour with Him. We are reminded that the little souls that have been entrusted to our care are ultimately God’s children and we get the incredible privilege to be the ones to walk with them through this life as we walk towards eternity. 

When I am reminded that I get to co-labour with God as a parent, I can lean on His power to help me get through the daily moments—especially the “unenjoyable” ones.  

When I feel like I am drowning in my sea of responsibilities, or when I just don’t have it in me to handle yet another toddler meltdown, I find that the only remedy that I can reliably count on is an outpouring of grace when I just don’t have it in me to get through another moment.

With grace, I can take one little step after another. With grace, I can face another tantrum, serve another meal, and offer a kind smile when inside I just want to scream and cry. Grace equips me with the power to experience even difficult moments and it is grace that allows me to draw from God’s wellspring of hope.

Practically speaking, I suggest identifying four things in life that you can bring to God into these moments.

  1. Identify triggers that bring shame. I was surprised to hear that off-handed comments can bring about shame. Imperatives like “enjoy this while you still can!” can instill feelings of shame when you actually feel like you’re drowning because it negates how you’re actually feeling. When someone offers advice that shames you more than it uplifts you, pause to identify what triggered you and then ask the Holy Spirit to help sift lies away from truth.

  2. Identify things that make you feel alive as a mother. Motherhood is not one-size-fits-all. Different women have different gifts and personalities that influence the way they parent their children. Social media often highlights moms who seem to have it all, and watching someone else’s life behind a screen can affect how successful we feel at our own ability to parent. For example, I personally love to keep up with my kids’ baby journals, regularly updating them with funny quotes and pictures. However, sewing has never been in my wheelhouse, and as much as I wish I could mend my kids’ clothes or sew my daughter a beautiful dress, there is just no way I can conjure up anything wearable. Instead, I asked my grandma to sew a baptismal gown that all three of my kids have worn at their baptisms. Just because another mom is good at something that you’re not does not elevate their worth over yours. Love books? Make library visits a weekly activity! Avid hiker? Introduce your kids to your favourite trails! Lean into your God-given skills and incorporate them into your role as mama.

  1. Identify things that make you feel alive as a person. I struggle with feeling lost in my own motherhood. In the last few years of being a stay-at-home mom, I often feel as if my identity and my passions are slowly slipping away. I loved reading and journaling, so I’ve incorporated both of those activities into my motherhood by keeping up with baby journals and reading literally hundreds of children’s books. But my own personal journal entries are few and far between, and I can count on one hand how many books I’ve recently read for my own pleasure. Providentially, in the last few weeks, a few women and I started Scripture and book studies, which paved the way for me to prioritize personal journaling and reading time. I’d like to think that my identity is merely evolving, instead of being washed away. It’s important to look after our own needs - even if it’s as simple as going for a quick walk around the block, taking an extra long shower, or enjoying a warm cup of coffee.

  2. Identify people in your life that will hold you accountable for the three things that you’ve identified above. This is an example of when soul-care supersedes self-care. As a parent, it truly is important to surround yourself with a village who will journey with you as you grow as a parent and as an individual. People who truly know you can speak into your life when you are shame-triggered, when you feel like you’re drowning, or when you feel like your sense of self is slowly slipping away. Your village, people who are brothers and sisters in Christ, can recognize when your soul is crushed and far from thriving. These are people with whom you share a friendship where you don’t feel the need to “fake it ‘till you make it”. These are fellow moms who sit in the car with you on a rainy day so you can enjoy drive-thru McFlurries together. These are friends who watch your kids so you can go grab a cup of coffee in silence while you peruse a bookstore. These days, especially post-pandemic, keeping up with friendships is definitely a challenge. But I daresay that community is necessary for survival, and it begs to be prioritized. 

From a fellow mom who is also in the trenches of parenting: hang in there. I see you. People also often say, “the days are long but the years are short”. I am still in the early years of parenting, and right now it all just feels like a blur of really, really long days. 

My encouragement for you, and for me, is this: instead of striving to enjoy every moment, take a load off and simply be in every moment.

 It’s okay if you’re not enjoying it all. It’s okay to want a break from your kids from time to time. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, and it certainly does not make you a bad parent. Lean on grace when moments are not enjoyable, and ask God for the grace to truly relish the happy ones. Most importantly, ask earnestly for the grace to truly experience joy, regardless of circumstance. And finally, let us not forget what our Lord reminded St. Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9)