Slowing Down: Advice for Busy Moms & Dads
As a parent, I always have a mental list of things that I need to get done throughout the day - from the moment I wake up, to the moment I close my eyes. I am constantly thinking about meals, infinite snacks, appropriate amounts of screen time, registration for extra-curricular activities, the list goes on. Rest is hard to come by, and if an opportunity does present itself for a little moment of quiet, I feel uneasy; as if I am deliberately ignoring a mountain of responsibilities that are calling my name.
There are days when I feel my heart screaming, “Slow down! You’re headed towards burnout! Slow. Down.” Do you want to know what my initial response was? “I just don’t have the time to be burnt out.”
This pace, this nagging sense of being overwhelmed, can’t be what God imagined our vocation as parents to look like. God revealed His deepest identity to us in the language of family: A Father, and a Son. A Spirit that abides eternally. I knew that I couldn’t do it all on my own; to serve my family well, I need to experience -- and exhibit -- His peace.
Fellow parents, in the midst of our responsibilities, may we always lean on the Holy Spirit to teach us how to live. Let God’s wisdom be our guide as we set our eyes on rightly-ordered priorities—first seeking God’s will, then serving the needs of those whom He has entrusted to our care.
Simply put, this means that creating a restful home for our families focuses more intentionally on interior soul-work of individuals rather than exterior tasks and responsibilities.
We need to attend to intangible, often unseen, needs before we can set out to tackle our to-do lists. When my home feels like a mess, and I’m feeling overwhelmed, I know I need to stop and pause. These are some things my family has put in place that might be helpful for you too.
Questions I Ask Myself:
- Is my constant desire for cleanliness inadvertently causing feelings of shame on my young, impressionable children?
- Do I have unrealistic expectations of my family to keep our space as organized as my dreams dictate?
- How is the physical state of my home causing a barrier for our family to find peace? Do we need to prioritize tasks as a family to create more room for relational connection?
- Are our plans for home renovations at the expense of having to work so many extra hours to afford our dream space?
- Have I neglected the needs of my husband, as I dive deeply into my role as mother?
- How have I prioritized my marriage today?
Running a household is a full-time gig: making meals, chauffeuring, toddler nap times, tidying up—there is something to do ‘round the clock. What I am learning, however, is when I narrow my focus on just getting on to the next thing on my list, I stop being intentional about why I have things on my list in the first place. I want a tidy house because I want our home to be a peaceful dwelling, but in this pursuit of order, I get lost in frustration towards the very people I wanted to experience peace. Creating boundaries frees me up to prioritize the right things at the right times so that we can keep our hearts focused on what matters most: loving each other well.
Rules Around When We Can Clean
I’m not skirting around the real issue that families are often messy, and that keeping a home clean and organized is tiring and time-consuming. Having an orderly home is beneficial for all who live in it. The challenge lies in creating boundaries around what is realistic for your family, and how everyone’s needs are prioritized and respected.
From a young age, we’ve taught our kids where their toys belong and why it's important for their stuff to be tidied up after playing. Do they always clean up after themselves? Of course not! But we're a work in progress. There's always tons of room for grace. Grace for children to learn that order brings peace of mind to their parents, and grace for us parents to learn that our children need room to grow and play and be curious. It's not perfect; our kids continue to be messy little rascals and we often lose our temper over having to yell “clean up!” too many times. But in our home, there are infinite chances to try and learn to treat each other better.
I’m a bit of a clean-freak, and often get annoyed when things are out of place. I know that my desire for order and cleanliness often gets in the way of grace and compassion towards the people I live with. So
I set a cleaning schedule that tackles a small area each day, holding it loosely knowing that my home will not fall apart if it doesn’t get done.
As an example, here is what my weekly cleaning schedule looks like: One day, I focus on laundry; Another for groceries and cleaning out the fridge. I am trying to make “Window Wednesdays” a habit, but I am still working on that discipline. Once a week, I set aside a day for a more thorough clean—bathrooms, kitchen, sweeping and mopping floors—that way, when the weekend rolls in, we get to rest and enjoy a freshly cleaned home. Sometimes my kids actually enjoy helping: dollar store spray bottles and cut up microfibre cloths keep their hands busy and glass doors somewhat clean!
As a habit/discipline, I try to make our bed every morning, clean up the dining table and kitchen and put away all the toys at the end of the day. Waking up to a somewhat tidy space in the mornings helps set the tone for the rest of the day.
Of course, there are some weeks that get completely out of hand. There are some weeks where finding the energy or time to clean is only something to be dreamt about.
Cleaning After Kids Go to Bed:
My husband set limits for how long we can spend tidying up in the evenings after the kids are in bed so that we can have more time to connect with each other. My husband suggested a 30-minute rule -- otherwise I would spend upwards of two hours scrubbing kitchen counters and cabinets. Parents know how precious post-kids-bedtime hours can be, and I am slowly learning how to better prioritize that time.
Making Sure We Fill Our Cup
I mentioned in my previous article that there is a balance between attending to our responsibilities as parents and also attending to our own needs as individuals. I have to often remind myself that my identity is not lost in being “just a mom”; rather, my identity is enhanced. I need to also ensure that I am aware of my own limits and attentive to my own needs.
How I Fill My Cup As a Mom:
Of course, there is no formula for this. Everyone has different capacities and different families. Different days call for different remedies. This is an attempt to give you some ideas if you are feeling overwhelmed.
Reach out to some friends and schedule kid-less brunch! It’s always nice to not have to be responsible for making the meal plan.
Ask your spouse for a morning or afternoon where I can each spend time alone with God. Get away to a coffee shop for a few hours and then swap so we both have time to recharge spiritually.
Remove guilt from your own hobbies—whether that’s reading, creating art, running, etc. It’s important to set time aside to do what gives you peace and energy.
Watching your old favourite movies from highschool.
I love a good bargain, and I quite enjoy the thrill of finding treasures from Facebook Marketplace and thrift stores. It definitely feels like a win to give life to items others no longer needed, and to be able to do so at a fraction of the cost!
If you are on social media, follow accounts that realistically inspire you and your family. Accounts that honour and elevate your roles as homemakers, not make you feel bad for what you have/don’t have.
On the other hand, sometimes it’s good to take a break from social media where it’s easy to compare yourself. Take a month off social media. You can save up all the cute photos of your kids and post them in a few weeks.
How I Fill My Cup As a Dad:
Being committed to my weekly men’s group—gathering with my closest friends who are in similar stages of life, who hold me accountable as a husband, father, and follower of Christ.
I love LEGO and building things, and my kids are now in a stage where they enjoy building things with me. So we get to play together!
Tackling “fun” creative projects around the home - like building our own dinner table, or designing our backyard renovation. Stuff that contributes to the beauty of our home that doesn't necessarily feel like chores.
Moms and Dads, heed these wise words from Louisa May Alcott:
"Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success."