I’ve had a somewhat complicated relationship with my body throughout my teen and young adult years. 

I suffered from an eating disorder for nine years, which stemmed from deep-seated dissatisfaction with myself, and a twisted view of the human body. Throughout the years I was holding on, quite tightly, to a sense of control concerning what my body looked like and how I felt about it. I had a lot of anxiety about trying to be a certain weight and look a certain way, and would be very hard on myself in moments where I thought I had lost control. I labeled foods as “bad,” and had a difficult time measuring what was enough when exercising. I felt anxiety and guilt from feeling out of control in that area.

If I’m honest, I always was a bit worried about what being pregnant would mean for my self-image. It seemed like the ultimate experience of not being in control of my body—both in how I would look and how I might feel. Yet, motherhood still called my name. 

Pregnancy was a blur for me in many ways. I got quite sick in my first trimester, and honestly did not have time to think or worry about my body image. As the pregnancy progressed, I found myself in a tension of feelings. I was both in awe at the beautiful mystery of growing a little human inside me and I started to feel less than comfortable in my body. I didn’t fit into my favorite clothes, and wasn’t able to go for a run whenever I felt like it. This loss of control felt like was losing parts of myself that were important to me and there was a voice of fear in my head, telling me that I would never be able to regain them. 

I felt some guilt about these worries since in my mind, my self-image was not really that important in the larger scope of becoming a mother. 

But that can be easier known than believed. No matter what I knew in my head, my heart still struggled.

I needed something to help ground me. So during this time, I felt drawn to attending daily Mass a few times a week. The ritual of the liturgy helped me ground myself in God, leaning on his steadiness when many other things in my life seemed out of hand. One day, as the consecration prayer was being prayed, I was struck by the simple line that I had heard many times before; “this is My body, which will be given up for you.”

Isn’t that just so true of motherhood? 

Throughout the process of pregnancy, and then labor and postpartum recovery, I am being called to give up my body—how it looked, how it felt—for another person. It’s a mysterious and painful process, but ultimately brings great life and joy, just like Jesus’ gift of his body on the cross brings to each of us. 

I have found a lot of comfort in these words throughout the process of becoming a mother. In no way have my fears and desire for control of my body completely disappeared, but I find myself turning to Christ as my example.

Now, after giving birth to my son, I sometimes find myself wishing I could magically snap my fingers and get my old body back. The one without stretch marks or widened hips. The one that could do workouts without losing breath. The one that didn’t have dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. Looking in the mirror can feel brutal these days. 

But, the words “this is my body, given up for you” do not only point us towards the passion and the cross. We must remember that the cross is always followed by the resurrection. 

That is true for mothers in a unique way as well. 

Our body, sacrificed for our little one, has brought about new life. In the process of learning to accept ourselves, we must remember this fact: It is okay to want to work towards building back our strength and finding our sense of self again, but some things will never be the same. Just like the Apostles' relationship with Jesus after the passion and resurrection was different, so will our relationship with our body never be the same after having a child. 

Just as Jesus’ scars told the story of his passion and resurrection, our stretch marks and extra soft spots tell our unique story of “this is my body, given for you.” This knowledge helps me remember to surrender my desire for control of my body and learn to embrace the freshness of my new life.  As a mother, I can draw closer to Jesus by remembering that he knows what it is like to give up himself for another. In those moments when it feels like I have lost myself, I can turn to him in prayer and be reassured that it is in giving myself away, that I will truly learn to love.