There is no feeling quite like walking out of the hospital for the first time with a newborn. The feeling somewhere between excitement and “I can’t believe they’re letting us leave  unsupervised.” I don’t think I’ve ever felt less prepared for anything. 

There is no book or course that can replicate the experience of living fatherhood. Which means it comes with making a lot of mistakes.  

Last winter, I was unpacking our car one night as a light snow was falling. The wind was blowing, and my four-year-old daughter came running out from between the cars into the driveway of our townhouse complex. She was laughing, hands stretched out to the sky, and her wild curly hair was everywhere as she enjoyed a moment of pure joy.

At that same moment, I noticed a parked car facing us in about 100 feet away. The car wasn’t moving but that didn’t stop me from seizing the opportunity to teach a lesson about safety and rules. She ignored me at first, which only made me more frustrated, and I herded her back into the house before reiterating the foolishness of running wildly into the driveway.

The look on her face was one I won’t forget. As she hid behind my wife’s legs and started to cry, a voice in my head was whispering, “Good job – she’ll never forget the time I got mad at her for being joyful.”  

My wife couldn’t hear the thought, but I felt completely exposed. 

I mess up more often than I care to admit and don’t always know what I’m doing. I have to remind myself often that I don’t have to be (and never will be) perfect. God redeems my mistakes and gives me grace when I mess up. And if He’s already giving me grace, all I have to do is learn how to accept it. 

There is so much comfort knowing there is a perfect Father that is always there for me but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. On this journey of fatherhood, I’ve been blessed to have received sage advice from others. These are the three most important things I remember in continuing to give myself grace: 

First, kids have margin built-in. They can handle the dumb things I do and the ways that I fall short. With my kids, I think they’ve come to appreciate the moments when in humility, I go to them and talk about my mistakes and how I’m also a work in progress. I have experienced growth in my relationship with my kids that started with me making a mistake. Letting each of these instances end at the mistake would have deprived me of some of the best moments of being a dad and growing closer with my kids.

Second, I am not called to be God to my kids. This feels ridiculously obvious as I write it, but it is very easy to double down on mistakes I make as a dad by beating myself up about it and shaming myself. I now know my role is to be a gateway through which my children can meet the Father, understanding that I have fallen and will continue to fall short of the ideal, the perfect father.

Third, the more I mess up, hopefully, the more I get to experience God. Being a father is as much about my own growth through the process. When my kids fall short, there is something very fulfilling and joyful about walking through those challenges with them, helping them to become better versions of themselves. Having a personal relationship with God means the same is true when I fall short as a father. Walking through those challenges with Him makes me a better man and better leader for my family.

I will not be a perfect father—but that’s ok. Only one such Father exists. Even more, if I’m tempted to position myself as the ultimate role model for my children, I will be selling them short. 

I want to show them how to be hardworking, kind, and honest, but I can only do that well if I am following a perfect example. The more I make my life point towards God, the more they see how to live this out themselves.

Fortunately, we have access to Him and can take our own failings to Him for advice and know that what we’ll receive in return will continue to shape us towards Him, and our children will only benefit from that.